I really want to be creative. Unfortunately though, I don’t think that I am. And this really bothers me. Especially when so many of the blogs that I follow fall into the crafting and DIY category. I have always been okay good at these things – I can knit well on a basic level, my sewing is decent, I can understand the simple concepts behind switching to manual on my DSLR camera and I got okay scores on my assignments for the year that I was taking a course in interior design. But I am no more than average in all of these things.
I suspect that one of the contributing factors to this is the number of lifestyle and crafting blogs that I read, especially those from the US. You know the ones: everything is so beautifully presented, their homes immaculate, their children sitting calmly for the photographs. And the craft projects that they do… So charming and creative (although most likely so time-consuming).
And I know that this cannot be their everyday reality, but I also cannot help but compare our chaotic, messy lives to theirs. Maybe I should stop following so many of these blogs but I cannot help liking them, even if they do make me so very envious. (Alice raises similar questions about whether we should present ourselves warts and all.)
I yearn to be able to find my creative niche. I watch videos online about exploring my creativity, developing my skills and breaking out of the 9-5 to create something of my own. But I just don’t know what my niche is, what I really am good at.
Or rather, I suspect that I know exactly what my niche is and I’m fighting against admitting it because it is what I do for a job every day. And my job just isn’t sexy, it isn’t about me being my own person, in control of my own assignments.
And now I have started being melodramatic and thinking that maybe this is what a midlife crisis looks like… Maybe I need to tell myself that now is the time in life to focus fully on family and put any thoughts of using creativity more actively on hold. Or perhaps I can use what creativity I do have and my spare time a little more to making our apartment feel more like home for the boys and us. That might be the best outlet.
I think perhaps I just need to get over it.